You may have noticed that I have been AWOL from creating any sort of long format content such as blog posts and videos throughout the majority of 2023. I had so many plans this year in regards to creating videos and blogs on a variety of subjects, but life had a different path for me; and it was a path I never wanted to take.

I don’t particularly want to go in depth about what happened, so I will keep it brief. In May, my Grandad had a fall which lead to him needing 24/7 homecare. I would visit him often prior to this, but being with him as much as possible became a priority. Obviously, all online activity was not important. Regrettably, over the coming months he became more frail, eventually leading to his hospitalisation in September. After picking up several infections in the hospital, he never came home. He passed in October and he now rests with our ancestors.

I will admit that my spirituality took a battering. I asked why did my ancestors not hear my cries? Why did they leave me in my time of need? But now I know that they were with him. He needed their guidance to lead him from this world. I couldn’t accept that his time was coming, but our ancestors knew. I realise this now. All I ask is that they guide me down the path of grief.

There is a now a distinct divide in my life; my life before and after his passing. Life will never been the same, there is a huge hole where he used to be. Grandad was my best friend and the one who inspired me to get an allotment and finally start growing food and flowers. He had tried for years to get me interested, but it wasn’t until I had gotten older and he eventually retired from gardening that I finally took an interest. I know he loved the fact we were growing so much food and an absolute abundance of flowers. For my birthday this year, he bought me some gladioli bulbs. He wasn’t able to see them bloom, but there will forever be a piece of him on the plot.

But now, our allotment sits forlorn and unloved. I have only been once since his passing, spending less than an hour there. Others have checked on it in our absence, but I can’t bring myself to go just yet.

There has been a massive shift in my outlook since his passing. The things I thought were important in life, really aren’t. The only things are are really important are our loved ones, past and present. I must do my best to honour them. I look inwards to see how I can do this, and I know that firstly I must return to the land and work it as they once did. The ancestors are in the soil, they are in the water and the air. They are always with me.

Whilst the weight of my grief is sometimes too much to endure, I must carry on. I know that Grandad would not want me to drown in the ever crashing waves of grief. Sometimes the waves hit me and they are 50ft high, with only brief breaks between. Other times the waves of grief only reach 10ft and it hits me when a certain song plays. I know these waves of grief will become ripples many years down the line, just reaching my feet; reminding me that you’re always there. But, I also know that 80ft waves will come out of nowhere and floor me and it will be like I’m back in the room saying goodbye. To love someone, is to accept that one day they will no longer be here. With life, comes death. It is the only certainty in life. The love for both of my grandparents ran deep and it is a scar that I will bear proudly. I take comfort in knowing they are finally together again, and that there will be a seat waiting for me at our ancestral table.

I mourn aspects of my future; as he is not here to see me get married or become a mother. These are two life events I thought he would have been here for. I did not expect that the birthday cake I made for him in January for his 96th birthday, would be the last.

The future of this blog is unknown for now. I want to write things that mean something and can help people learn and improve their lives. I want to make videos that help people create things, encourage them to try something new or even just visit their local stone circle or castle. Alas, in regards to “content creation”, I am not a content creator. I actually abhor that term. In such a fast paced world where everyone needs instant gratification and serotonin hits, that is not something I want to be apart of. I don’t want to create content for the sake of content creation or to fall into an algorithm; just so people can consume it in a few minutes, forget about it and move on to their next serotonin fix.

I will leave it there. I wish you all a peaceful Yuletide, a Merry Christmas and prosperous 2024. Hold your loved ones tighter and for a little longer this year. Stay another ten minutes to hear the story you’ve heard a hundred times before. Don’t put off asking the questions you have always wanted to. You may not get the chance tomorrow.